2. FIRST ENCOUNTER

Peter and I first met in his front room that is more like a study. As I walked in, straight in front of me was a bed/couch, to the left there was an arm chair by the fire place, on the left of which book shelves with really interesting books. In front of the bookcase another chair where Peter sat, by the window, the curtains were deep blue. On the last wall, behind the door, was a large computer desk. The walls are a warm orange. I kept looking behind him at his books as I am always interested what people read. Very little of what I saw was familiar to me -  they all looked very deep, mostly philosophy. He had a small low table in front of him with an open notebook. He had already written in it but his writing was so small I couldn’t read it. During the time I was there he occasionally added a few words.

I actually do not remember much of our first meeting. I probably told him I had trained as a psychiatric nurse and then completed a diploma in ‘Dynamic Psychotherapy Skills’ at Kent University. I approached the session as if it was therapy and told him about myself and the various psychological labels that have been applied over the years. I may have gone into details about my period of ‘depression’ when my daughter was two and my tendency towards bipolar moods swings especially around the times of my menstrual cycle.

Peter told me that his work revolves around using the ‘awareness body’, sometimes called the ‘bliss body’. It has its ‘abode’ within the lower abdomen and is accessed by centering one’s awareness there by focusing on breathing. One’s attention is used to descend vertically within oneself to cross what he calls ‘the threshold of identity’.

        We all consist of three ‘fields’ of awareness: what is ‘around’ us, what is ‘inside’ us and our ‘unbounded interiority’. It is this third field of which most people are unaware. It is the essential realm, the ‘third realm’ and the true realm of the spiritual. From here we can experience real encounters with others and develop absolute understanding. It is the ‘under-body’ or ‘under-world’. The guiding words of German mysticism were ‘going under’ and 'under-going’ and Peter’s work has this among his many influences.

       The guiding principle of this work is recognising that this awareness is our essential nature.  New age language talks about contacting our 'higher' selves but has basically got the direction wrong. We need to realise the gateway lies deep down below - within our abdomen, just waiting for recognition.

      This inner world can be explored through ‘melding’ ones awareness with the awareness of another. This is achieved by listening to the inner voice or inner ‘tonality’ of the other and attuning to this tone within yourself. Once this ‘resonation’ is activated it is possible to travel deeper into each other on a psychic level into the fifth dimension.

      The key to understanding this inner body is recognising it is a ‘feeling-body’ and as such has no boundaries. Its qualities sensuous as in: lightness/darkness, fluidity/solidity, warmth/coolness, closeness/distance etc. Feelings are something we ‘have’ but feeling (verb) is something we ‘do’ - or rather that awareness does, touching and feeling all it is aware of.  And as such our ‘feeling bodies,’ or ‘field bodies’, can be extended out from ourselves to touch one another. In our society today however, we have forgotten how to touch each other in this way, through feeling awareness. By losing this inner connection we seek to connect in a bodily way mostly through sexual contact.

During our first meeting he introduced me to hara meditation, ‘Head, Heart and Hara’ being the title of a book of his about the inner space and centre of awareness in the lower abdomen known to the Japanese as hara. This is both our physical and spiritual  centre of gravity, a centre of both body, soul and ‘soul body’. The meditation was focused on shifting my awareness from my head, where it usually is, to my heart centre then into this space within my abdomen.

With my eyes closed, Peter drew my awareness to the surface of my face and head. He asked me to then take my awareness within, to a space inside my head. He did the same with the surface and ‘within space’ of my chest area then my abdomen. Peter described the hara as a dark, warm safe place and with every out breath I was to feel myself sink deeper and deeper into this space.

It was different to anything I had experienced before. I had never thought about my awareness as something I could move. Although I have done many different types of relaxation some of which get you to concentrate on different areas of your body this was something else entirely. I could actually feel the part of myself usually so stuck in my head as having moved to somewhere completely different. There was a quiet calmness in that space, entirely new to me. I felt stillness in my whole being and my head, usually full of racing thoughts, was strangely disconnected in a really pleasant way. 

I knew from this brief experience I would like to know more about Peter’s work and I agreed to meet with him at least six times every other week so he could give me a full introduction, starting in January. He lent me a book on ‘Focusing’ by Eugene Gendlin, and ‘Seth Speaks, The Eternal Validity of the Soul’, channelled material by Jane Roberts.

        Over the next few months Peter initiated me into his work and I took to it like a duck to water. From our first session together I began to feel a deep connection to him which just became deeper with each contact we had. The crucial difference in the way he operates is the new form of tantric initiation and pair meditation he has developed - ‘resonation’. This was conducted face to face, sitting on stools with his knees outside of mine, our hands in our laps. With no other physical contact the experience is incredibly intimate as it involves looking deeply into each other’s eyes and turning them quite literally into windows of the soul.

           Peter had already told me about the inner awareness space of the belly and lower abdomen which the Japanese call hara - and introduced me to the meditation designed to shift awareness from your head or chest to a central point - the tanden – located deep within it a few centimetres below the navel.  In our next meeting Peter told me about the importance of being aware of our entire lower body below the waist, a way of once again learning to feel and stand firmly on the inner ground of our being. Still sitting in our arm chairs, eyes closed, Peter asked me to focus on my feet and legs, to be aware of the ground they were touching. Focusing, again, on my abdomen as the centre of my awareness I was to experience myself sitting within a fluid which came up to my waist.

The breathing was very important, every out breath took me deeper within and the next step was to notice the small still space between the out and in breath. In this space Peter instructed me to draw into my hara the energy existing from the ground up to my waist, to breath in the warm fluid of awareness.

Peter then asked me to open my eyes and keeping my awareness in my hara, to look out from my centre. I was feeling very relaxed but I wasn’t able to completely switch my thinking head off. It was all strange to me but in a very nice way. I felt very strongly in touch with myself, an inner self, in a way I had not conceived of. He then asked me to look at him but although I tried I felt as though I would lose the sense of self I had just discovered.

Peter then asked if I would try a pair-meditation and we moved to stools opposite each other. I found this really difficult to do mainly because I felt uncomfortable with his sitting so close to me. I could feel all sorts of old issues rising up within me mainly to do with intimacy with members of the opposite sex.

 He tried to get me to do an exercise where I touched his hand and looked at him, then to do it again but this time to really look at him and really touch him. I found it incredibly intimate and felt paralysed inside. I experienced a feeling of being backed-up against a wall and just could not do it.

We moved back to the chairs and talked about what had happened. I could not recall anyone looking into my eyes in that way. I felt as though he had triggered within me my core issue. Reflecting on how long it might take in psychotherapy before enough trust was developed to talk about it, I found myself telling this virtual stranger about my Black Hole. That sense within my being of incompleteness, my flaw, my deep need. The private space that I try to fill with food although I know it won’t even begin to satisfy the hunger that radiates from within.

He asked me if I would try the meditation again but this time I could set the distance and would not have to do anything but just try to get in touch with the feelings I had talked about and show on my face how I felt. I didn’t even have to look into his eyes, I could look wherever was comfortable. Well I thought I could do that and what an amazing experience it turned out to be.

As I sat there in front of him I began to think about the space within me that I think of as my Black Hole. I started to get in touch with what it feels like to have such a space and ‘saw’ in my mind’s eye what I imagined it would look like.

Well was I surprised! I had always thought in terms of a neat little hole like the centre of a Polo-mint. But I found myself in a desert landscape cut across as far as I could see with this bloody great chasm! Boy was I shocked and worried! How could it be that big? How could I cope with having that at the centre of my being, I was split down the middle into two halves, sundered?

Yet amazingly enough I found that could I cope with it, I could ‘stand’ there and feel it, experience it. Not only that I but knew that somehow it was Peter’s gaze that was making it possible. He was helping me to stay ‘there’, and it was as though he was with me, supporting me. And yet I could see him sitting opposite me, looking at me as if he was looking within me.

As I sat there looking at him looking back at me I began to imagine ways to change the inner landscape I was experiencing within. I saw trees reaching out wide green branches, growing up from inside the bottomless crack, a beautiful oasis formed off to one side, palm trees grew around a small still pool. I saw myself scatter handfuls of seeds and watched as stately flowers developed in all the colours of the rainbow.

As time passed I found that I could breathe into my hara as Peter had been suggesting earlier. As I did so I could feel this incredible energy like a deep lake, I was sitting within it and I was aware that at the same time it was within me. It was amazingly powerful and almost palpable, yet I found my head getting in the way as my awareness kept jumping about. I wanted to stay connected to this wonderful feeling yet it was so new to me I wasn’t sure what to do or how to sustain it. I wasn’t sure of the feelings it aroused in me as it had such a pleasant, sensuous quality to it.

I had lost track of time when Peter broke the contact. We sat for some moments in silence then he indicated we return to our seats. I described my experience and he explained it in terms of a soul landscape, similar to a shamanic journey and unusual so early. I found myself pleased by what he said. I also told him how I had felt like running for the hills but was so glad I hadn’t.

Afterwards I reflected on my time with him and noticed a part of me felt a connection to him in a deep inner way. It was as if he looked into my soul and it felt amazing. I couldn’t remember ever having had an experience that is remotely similar. I felt different, as though something had shifted within me. I was not sure if it was because I dared to look at my Black Hole or the fact that Peter made it possible. I realised that pair meditation is certainly a direct way to communicate and words seemed inadequate to describe it.

Peter gave me some of his writings on the subject. It made such sense to me. In the West we are just so wrapped up within our heads that we have lost touch with another way to communicate. In Japan they understand what it means to talk from your belly. They know that the hara is the centre of the soul but we think anything below the waist is sexual and have forgotten how to connect with another person on a purely spiritual level. We have cut ourselves off from this wonderful source of wisdom because of this interpretation. Each and every one of us has within our being a gateway to our deeper selves. I see now that my Black Hole was a portal to my inner being. I found the experience amazing and I couldn’t wait to go back for more.

       Over the following weeks I began to notice incredible changes in myself and other people also noticed. The main difference was my mood. I felt much calmer and noticeably happier.

It is hard to explain the deep change I felt had taken place. It was as though a different aspect of my being has woken up, an aspect which is healthier. I stopped wanting to eat sweet things and bought a fruit press. I started the day with fresh orange juice and found it quite natural to eat more fruit and vegetables and I felt fantastic.

I told several of my friends about my experience with Peter and fully expected them to ask for his phone number! If I had been on the receiving end of such information I would want to find out more for myself. I wondered if I was seeking for a deeper level than other people. One friend said she admired my bravery! Perhaps I over stated the anxiety I first experienced. The meditation with Peter was so incredible I wished I could give them a taste of how I felt inside, that I could communicate the change.

          Peter continued to introduce me to some of the practices involved with this way of communication. These included techniques to tune into the same wave length as the other person via their facial expression and some vowel sounds made with exaggerated facial expressions. I hadn’t thought about it in such terms before but obviously we communicate with our faces and especially our eyes. If you form your own face into the same expression as you are seeing on someone else, you are able to feel within your own body what feeling is being expressed. What an amazingly simple revelation! However, theory aside, I couldn’t do it for laughing! I couldn’t get the hang of the vowel sounds either. I don’t know how he stayed so patient with me because I was beginning to irritate myself!!

Anyway he rescued me by suggesting we try another tantric pair meditation or eye-contact ‘resonation’. It was so much easier the second time and I had no problem with him sitting so close to me. It wasn’t such a visual experience but I did have a sense of hearing and following someone singing. I was left with the feeling I need to discover my inner voice. The meditation was wonderful and I actually had to touch myself to reinforce my physicality as I felt somewhat unbounded. This was apparently because I was in touch with my soul, wow! It is hard to find the words to describe the wonder of it, amazing that looking into someone else’s eyes could be so incredibly powerful. The man has such a gift and I wondered what it would be like to be able to do this myself.

Peter explained after our resonation session about ‘felt sounds’ and some more about the vowel sounds he had tried to teach me. He spoke about the ‘tones’ of voice we use and how these are an inner expression of our being. If we ‘tune into’ these we experience our own feeling tones of awareness. We can become more aware of the condition of our inner being and open up to the communication from the deeper aspects of ourselves. It all made sense to me.

We talked about the process of getting in touch with a ‘felt sense’ of another by taking on their facial expression and how this creates a ‘resonance’ between their ‘being’ and your own. It really is quite beautiful. I couldn’t help but feel what a shame it is that we don’t all communicate with each other on that level. This life would not feel so lonely if we could connect to our felt sense of each other and that soul resonance.

Peter explained how ‘resonation’ can be used for healing. If you alter your our own felt-sense by breathing in light the other will feel the change and ‘lighten’ in response. Amazing really but by god it works - it was exactly what he had done with me on our first inner contact.

I tried to explain how I think I ‘work’ with people on an intuitive level, kind of how I paint really. But I had a sense of being behind a glass screen and not in-touch with my own body sense. I felt this was why I had found the earlier exercises difficult. (That and the fact that I had really wanted to do the eye-contact meditation again!!) I was left with a sense that something important would happen through our joint meditation but I was not sure what I mean by that.

        The next facet of Peter’s work which was particularly interesting to me was around colour. He had given me to read the chapter of one of his books, all about colour. I found it really interesting especially Steiner’s idea that the colour of the soul is blue.

       I had wanted to show him the work I had been doing for my art degree but I didn’t have the car and I couldn’t carry the boards I had been working on as they were too heavy. I decided to do smaller versions using blue as the back ground. I did three in the end with the intention to give him the one he liked best. My reasons were several, the main one to thank him for what he had done for me. I find it so hard to do justice to the profound changes I had experienced in the brief time I had known him. It is no exaggeration to say that working with him had changed my life and how I feel about myself. Everyone around me had noticed the changes. Not least the weight loss, by this time about half a stone.

I had been seeking for this kind of soul connection and understanding for more years than I care to remember. Possibly it has been my life search. I know that six sessions would not be enough for me and I was hoping I will be able to carry on seeing him beyond then.

       Another reason for my gift was because our sessions took more time than we originally agreed to and I wanted to give him a token of my time. The motifs I had found myself developing in my art had been in direct response to this work and I was hoping he would understand the symbols.

       While I worked on the boards I found myself reflecting on my sessions with Peter and wondering where they were leading to. I had complete trust in him, which in itself is strange considering the little time we had known each other. Actually I felt sure we must have met in a ‘previous life’ as the connection seemed very deep to me. Perhaps it was the result of the resonation but I felt there was something more there. I felt as though I had come home.

      When we next met he asked me what I wanted from these sessions and I said it was a good question!! He mentioned four possible directions of potential development: myself, skills to work with others, mediumship or artist. We didn’t come to any conclusion as part of me wanted to learn everything.

      Peter introduced me to the use of colour during resonation. He suggested an exercise where I ‘tuned into’ the colour he ‘embodied’. He began with blue, which he  darkened to indigo then to black, then lightening it again, through purple to red, orange and yellow. Sometimes he told me what colour and I had already ‘felt’ the change, at other times I ‘felt’ colours he didn’t mention but he confirmed afterwards that I was correct. It was quite exciting to be active in the process rather than passive, but my very activity prevented me from letting go into the full experience.

      After the resonation, he told me of a lucid dream he had 4/5 days earlier. He had been floating in a blue sky above a blue sea that he then decided to sink into. He described the experience of merging with the various shades of blue and it sounded wonderful. He then told me how he had felt my soul while we had sat together and it too was blue. I began to say that I had not felt it when suddenly it crept up upon me and I found myself within the colour. I know I keep using the word but it really was most incredible. I was within the colour, all different shades of blue, I was the colour and it was blissful. I didn’t ask at the time but Peter later confirmed my suspicion that he had somehow ‘sent’ me the colour.

      Something else occurred to me afterwards; Peter’s dream must have coincided with the time I was painting the boards in various shades of blue. This turned out to be the first of many precognitive dreams we both experienced in direct reference to our next resonation together.

       In the end I left two boards with him; his favourite as a gift and my favourite as a comparison. He seemed pleased and said he liked them. I said in some way the three represent him, me and where we meet. We talked about my art earlier in the session but I don’t remember much about it. Especially after that amazing experience with blue, my soul is blue, how fantastic! Strange how little I had used it in my art unless I mixed with red. I wanted to know more about the colours as they are so crucial to my art work and my knowledge based on the charkas was clearly limited. Peter’s work has many dimensions to it and many influences not least that of Seth. The book he lent me is brilliant.

     Up until now my times with Peter had given me amazing energy and I had been feeling really good. However it was time for me to learn the ability of resonation to clear out old patterns of relating in place of the new ones I was busy learning. The time before our next meeting was weird and not too pleasant at that. The day after my last visit I allowed myself to lose touch with my centre and I wasn’t able to find it again. A combination of hormones and feeling a lack of love in my life caused me to feel jealous and trapped.  But my loss of centre actually caused me more concern and the realisation that I had yet to learn how to hold on to it or regain it once lost.

       When I next saw him I tried to tell Peter where my head had been for the last two weeks but for once I couldn’t spell it out so avoided the real issue. I did tell him about the distance I felt towards my husband. Peter spoke about the conflict between the inner and outer worlds. That if I am serious about working with him then it is something I shall have to learn to deal with. I assured him that I was serious. It was interesting because he certainly heard what I was saying without me having to actually say it. I guess that is the logos that Heraclitus spoke of and Peter quotes in his writing, saying that the ‘speech’ (Greek logos) of the ‘soul’ (psyche) is the root meaning of the modern term ‘psychology’ – but it is a speech that can be heard only by deeply listening beyond the spoken word.

      I felt as though in response to the changes I had been experiencing I had been behaving a bit like a child with a torch. I had been running around shining it in everyone’s eyes. Then it seemed as if in the previous two weeks the shutters had been closed around the source. Peter quoted Steiner who said one should not talk about esoteric experiences. Apparently the root meaning of the word ‘initiate’ was ‘closed-mouthed’ one.

       The trouble is I want to share it with everyone!! My natural inclination has always been to pass on any knowledge I consider to be worth having. I just feel this should be known. And people do ask me what I have been doing because they see the changes in me. Not that I tell all to all that ask; I always explore their openness to spiritual ideas. I am well aware that I would be considered wacky by some if they heard half of what I know to be true. Some people are not yet ready for the truth. Shame really, the human race could do with opening their minds and their hearts a lot more, not to mention their hara.

       We spoke about the focus of our work together and the time we spend talking each week. It is usually three hours and he originally said an hour and a half to two hours. I feel as if I push the boundaries as I love talking to him so much. But it is a joint venture here as he can talk as much as I and he could always ask me to leave. So I don’t feel too guilty. He did say he loves talking to me and loves having me there and I felt myself glow inside when he said that. However there is a financial consideration for both of us. He seems to see something in me that could be developed. I expressed a wish to come every week but he has suggested keeping it at every other week but he will book three hours so there is a structure if a rather loose one! He mentioned teaching me in a more formal way but he made it clear that he doesn’t want to pressure me. I was really keen to know more, feeling my soul needed this like my body needs water. I was so excited about the prospect of becoming his student.

        He had an exercise for me to do and it felt like pulling teeth. He asked me to ‘read’ the eyes of a guy in a photograph. I had never noticed before what he was trying to get me to see. He said I will have to trust him that such practices will help my development with the resonation. I have always wanted to run before I can walk!! But of course I trusted him so I tried. He wanted me to look at one of the man’s eyes and to say what I saw there.

       I got stuck with the idea that I was just projecting my thoughts onto this guy but this lead to a crucial insight. My psychotherapy training had caused me to think in terms of being an empty vase. A good therapist is supposed to stay neutral and watch out for their own ‘stuff’ that they are in danger of projecting onto the client. I realised this was the glass wall I experienced during our resonation in the second session. My bloody training was getting in the way of this process, which is all about feeling with yourself, your body and your very being, needing to be able to read the reflection of the other within yourself. You can’t do that behind a glass wall, it is just too impersonal. No wonder therapy takes so long. You may as well talk to a brick wall as to an analyst!!!!

       The trouble was the glass wall was a handicap to me being able to read myself and be open to the silent communications from my hara. I decided I would have to take action!!!

       In the time in between our next meeting I began to go for long walks whenever my busy life allowed. I used it as a kind of walking meditation. I had daily been practicing the head heart and hara meditation and found it really helped me to stay calm during the day. With my continued weight loss I found I had more energy and walking seemed an ideal way to increase my rather poor level of fitness.

       While walking I had been experimenting with shifting my consciousness. At times I would stop and check out where my awareness was. Peter had also taught me how to expand my awareness and I also practiced this exercise. It involves connecting with your awareness, within. Then you ‘feel’ the space in front of you, literally using your feeling body and moving it into that space. You then feel the spaces behind, to the sides, above and below. The more I did it the more I could expand my aware self, further and further. I had also needed to ‘smash’ my glass wall in order to really feel myself into the space around me.

      On one of my walks I was stomping along feeling angry. I noticed the red stones at my feet and began to collect them. I felt their hardness in my hand and their redness. I had developed gall stones some years earlier and these little red stones made me think about the anger which had caused them to form in my body. The more I got in touch with the feelings of anger the more red I began to feel. At one point I felt such awesome fiery power of destruction I felt I could destroy the world. At this I laughed at myself and threw the stones away.

       As I walked back home, for the first time, I noticed how much blue there was along the way. Blue beach huts, blue boat covers, blue walls, everywhere; blue. I remembered the colour of my soul and realised I had reconnected myself with my centre, all by myself, I felt great.  I told Peter about these experiences, mentioned ‘smashing’ my glass wall and he had noticed the change as soon as I walked in, he couldn’t sense the wall! Amazing.

       I had wanted to ask Peter about the deep connection I was feeling with him but was sure I would find it hard to verbalise. So I had taken with me a ‘fall back’ letter asking him about it. In it I also wrote that I felt as if he knew who I was in relation to him. I gave it to him to read because I could not speak the words.  He seemed most interested in a comment about not having been in a body for a long time. He said my letter was nothing to feel embarrassed about but I got the impression he interpreted the connection in terms of our greater souls having ‘touched.’

         Peter had also had a ‘red’ experience recently, during a resonation. The red had been brick/brown in shade and so like mine. He used the word synchronistic to describe this and the fact that he had advised someone to do some exercise to develop his spatial awareness! These were further examples of a telepathic link developing between us.

       He told me a lot about himself and some very interesting experiences he has had along his way. It doesn’t feel right to record what he told me but I realised he is a man with a mission and I was in it up to my neck!!!

        He had some more exercises planned; he wanted me to practice some of the ones I had struggled with before. An important part of learning to tune into someone else is mirroring facial expressions and reading their eyes. To do this is was important for me to free up my own facial muscles and to recognise the feelings within my own being. He got me to ‘face’ and ‘embody’ different emotions: vulnerable, suspicious, cold and detached and then angry. I did the last one best but it caused me to giggle a lot. It seemed odd to show these feelings when it was not what I was actually feeling.  I think I did okay though.  He then asked me to show him open and receptive, no giggling here, then to get in touch with the sense of connection I had mentioned in my letter. Wow is about all I can say. I can’t describe the experience at all. I was right there in the room looking at him but was miles away at the same time. A few thoughts wandered through my head but I just felt I wanted to soak up all he could give me. As we sat face to face all I can remember is asking in my head for more of whatever it was that was going on between us, and he just kept giving it.

Sometimes he moved further away then back in again, at times our faces were so close I thought our noses would touch. I had a wonderful sense of filling up and moving back only to fall in again, where I was falling I knew not, into his soul I think. At one point he seemed much taller than me although we are the roughly the same height. I was left with the impression that he had a better sense of who I am but I remained in the dark.

         I found it incredibly hard to come back to myself. Several times Peter broke eye-contact and I thought the resonation was over only to reconnect and find myself falling back into his eyes. In the end he made the sign of the cross and I felt he was trying to break the connection. I shut my eyes, found myself leaning forward, he placed his hand on my head and I felt blessed. It was simply joyous, words fail me, again. My heart was singing fit to burst.  At one point there was a palpable heat between us which I think radiated from him; such warmth of feeling. I was left feeling that I love this man with my whole being, a deep soul love without any sexual or romantic feelings to get in the way, just incredible warmth. I could hardly speak afterwards. I managed to ask for a glass of water.

We didn’t talk about it. I walked back home completely spaced out.

         For several days after this experience I longed to phone him and ask about it. He had mentioned before that I could always phone him but I found it really difficult to do so. I came from a psychotherapy background and struggled with the whole issue of boundaries with him. I finally plucked up the courage to ring him and was so glad that I had. 

During our very powerful resonation he experienced one of our connections of a past life: A white Byzantine church with him as the priest and me a young man, a member of his congregation for whom he had great affection. He called me by another name, Thomas/Tomas. He had felt compelled to make the sign of the cross and then to place his hand on my head as a blessing, exactly as I received it!  My other impressions he also confirmed, he appearing taller and the incredible warmth between us.

          It was great to talk to him although I had found it really hard to call. He made it clear it was not a problem to do so. He actually thanked me for the experience as he found it very powerful. I laughed and said I had just been sitting there! He is working at a fast rate with me and said he admired my bravery. I don’t see it as brave at all, am I missing something? He has at times wondered if he has given me too much information but I made it clear that I can handle it. We spoke about so many things, as usual.

         He mentioned how he had always avoided religious symbolism but is bringing it out more and more in his work. It is clearly deeply spiritual and I am not sure I had any idea about how deep it really is.

        He had given me his book ‘From New Age to New Gnosis’ to read and I told him how impressed with it I had been. It is his latest writing and not many have read it so far. I felt privileged to have been given it. I felt in awe of his mind, I said, and how he writes, drawing so many different aspects together. I am lucky to have found him as if ‘luck’ has anything to do with it. I was meant to find him. I feel I have a job to do.

        He explained that Thursday had brought home the power of his work and ours – of ‘the work’ and the experiences of the soul body it made possible. I realise that although I have a choice in this I know I am in it up to my neck and that is how I want it to be.

       I mentioned the feedback I am getting about being different and that I really feel it. We spoke about my ‘training’, he doesn’t like the word but there are stages to go through although he can’t say how long it takes. His aim is for me to become aware of my full spiritual power and to know how to use it. I felt really excited about that.

        We covered so many topics and I felt wonderfully reassured by talking to him. I explained how hard it was for me to make the call and he acknowledged my difficulties around boundaries. He mentioned again he was aware of the change in my aura as soon as I walked in the door on Thursday.

       It was around this time that I began to wonder about my feelings towards Peter. Up until that time I was quite sure that I was not sexually attracted to him. But the deep connection our work was demonstrating was beginning to cause some confusion in me. I had only ever had one male friend and I really wasn’t sure how to go about having a friendship with a man. Until now our work had had boundaries with which I was familiar but things were most definitely changing. Realising the depth of his work and the fact that I was somehow deeply involved was a totally new experience for me. I knew deep within my being that I loved this man but how did that fit in with my so far limited understanding of what relationships are about?