With love and care you nurtured my organic soul
Tending the fertile soil and planting the seeds of your wisdom
From within the darkness growth came forth
As your intent strengthened my resolve.
I sat at your feet drinking in your honeyed words
Listening with equal care
Letting them fall like rain onto parched earth
Little knowing who else would overhear.
I have a message for you, I know not what it is
The tree which grew when you reached into me
Brings a flower to behold
Can you see its meaning if I draw it for you?
A voice came through the darkness
Do you see me, do you know me?
Will you acknowledge me?
Will you hold me or do you fear the fire?
Easier to sense the physicality of the serpent
Believe in temptation and integrity
Stay strong and withstand the call
But she too knew patience and bided her time.
Silently she moved into position
“Try out the whole body sensing”, the whisper came
Innocently I answered the call
Following a deeper instinct to connect to you in love.
Your gaze opened me up like a flower in the sun
Like a bee you came this time to drink my honey
We ate of the tree of knowledge
Choosing to fall into each other
Spiralling together into divine bliss.
Separate again the distance seemed too vast
Floating within myself fear took hold
Did I go too far?
Is his veil still there, can he yet see her in me?
Retreating into lonely space aching all the while
Your scent lingered to taunt me
I could still see your smile
As we had acknowledged the pleasure of our union.
Through that space the answer three times came
My heart swells fit to burst into a thousand songs
Validated into being She looks through my eyes into yours
In doing so becomes part of me as I am part of you.
What is it like to be a woman
What does feminine mean
Passive, receptive, soft, open.
Respond to care and nurture
Blossom, flower, unfold
Take in, receive, comply.
Listen, incorporate, digest
Flow upon flow, wave upon wave
Adapt, become adept, grow.
Expand, conceive, produce
Be solid, put down roots
Draw in from down below.
In being fed capable of feeding
Giving back by opening up
Velvet, voluminous, voluptuous.
Joined, floating, dancing,
Active surrender, choosing
Intending, meaning, fulfilled.
Separate, alone, halved
Lost, vulnerable, needy
Why? Draw strength.
Return to self, go deeper still
Find the well, drink your fill
Empower yourself by yourself.
Is that the point, individually
One and one make two
Two halves make a whole.
I read that Shakti has two poles
Prana: life force, soul
Kundalini: coiled one, spiritual potential
Whole but sundered
Until Kundalini is woken up
To be reunited with her soul mate, Shiva.
Marriage of the gods
Knowledge of authentic self
End of existential suffering.
Sounds so simple
Hard to incorporate
Go back and start again
Like a game of reverse snakes and ladders.
Thicken your thoughts seek words and meaning
Not in what they stand in for
Feelings, felt sense equals being
Within is where you’ll find the door.
Feel your head until you lose it,
Spiral downwards, deeply go
Well worn paths to inner being
Below your waistline, breathing slow.
Feel within the darkness of being
Breathe in dark substantiality
Feel and sense the woods and creatures
You within you, me within me.
Baring forth the deeper senses
Feel the wordless inner being
Through the familiar come new horizons
Different aspects now to glean.
Outward boundary now expanding
Become one now all-seeing eye
Porously filling up, absorbing
Beyond myself is where you lie.
Drawing back with the darkness
Expanding outwards once again
Within the light see colours dancing
The place we meet, now spiralling.
Becoming one embodied colour
Red, our natures filled with fire
But what from out the darkness blossoms
Once forgotten can hide no more.
Little knowing, deeply sensing
Old reactions lie within
Responding to the light of your gaze
Seeing, scenting, bodying.
Protective habit operating
Creates a barrier, sensing pain
Almost frozen, seeking action
Conflicting responses blocking gain.
Slow to take on board the process
Hoped for bliss remains a dream
Coiling back in self protection
Wondering what my neckache means.
Emotional pain becomes somatic
Struggle to focus, find a word
Sadness felt and clearly showing
Lost and vulnerable and yet ‘heard’.
You demonstrate your inner knowing
Guiding me along the way
Explain the flower deep within me
Soft and delicate you say.
That’s not me I beg to differ
Can’t go there it leads to pain
Sensuous is what you tell me
‘Weak’ and ‘vulnerable’ are too lame.
Yet again deep-sensing resonation
Washes out and up, throws clear
All the debris once was hidden
Exposing defences that were dear.
It takes its toll to keep things hidden
Free the senses, go within
Seek in darkness buried treasure
Release, begin to grow again.
I’ll try to heed your words of wisdom
Attempt to keep my senses pure
To free my judgements of past actions
Your healing inner body provides the cure.
What would it be like to grow up in a world
Where the value of a dessert was judged
By if it had a cherry on the top?
To find yourself, many years later,
In a foreign land, entertained by the king
His top chef has prepared for you his speciality
A gateaux, the like of which you have never seen
The sponge as light as angel’s wings,
Enveloped in cream as smooth as silk
Laced with fruit purée of sun kissed raspberries
Decorated with swirls of rich, dark chocolate
It tastes sublime, and dissolves on your tongue
Your senses reel in delight as your palette sings
The perfect blend of flavours and texture
A symphony of tones, it sings you a song
Never have you tasted anything as exquisite.
So would you recognise its worth?
Realise what a gift has been presented to you
Understand the honour bestowed,
Or would you complain it has to have a cherry on the top?
Have you grown enough to see your taste has changed?
Are you strong enough to disregard the teachings of the past?
Do you know the true value of finding your own path,
And making your own decisions?
Can you recognise the reflection of your own soul?
Or would you insist on the cherry?
Seated within the warm sea of knowledge,
Breathing out - sinking down
Rising fluid – breathing in
Awareness shifting, deepening into the abyss
Seeking the eye focused towards the dark.
Concentrating intent, following steps already taken
Eye to eye, being to being, waves of connection
Feeling body extending, contracting
To and fro, within, without – resonating
Sit back into the fluid, refocus - sink further down.
Eyes looking out see rapid ripples in facial muscles
Awareness moves to stand under
Sensing language - shift to receptive
Allowing intense waves of silent sound to permeate
Suspending the need to know, submit to feeling the words.
A change; waves once crashing begin to lap the shore
The new sound invites, gentle, caressing, smiling
Gathering feelings, checking from top to toe,
Whole sensing body moved to respond, reaching out
Answering the call, goddess to god; opening to receive.
Two body’s sitting opposite, legs and eyes in contact
Two souls - feeling for each other
One penetrating with intention, the other intending reception
Knowingly seeking the source of the divine nectar
Spiritually conjoining our bliss bodies; riding the waves of rapture.
Wave upon wave of divine bliss, sustained with intensity
The abode of the soul pulsating, holding, amplifying
The fire of passion colouring red, burning and creating
The space in between palpable with generated heat
The gravity of your force creating the sensation of physical embrace
As I feel myself fall towards you, inches between our faces
The scent of your soul pervades my being, fulfilling me
Drawing me further into your essence as we dance together
Hardly breathing the air around us; sustained rather by love.
Lost to time and outer senses, floating in a sea of sensuality
Every inner fibre of our dream body,
Each psychic nerve ending, singing
The melody resounding through our souls as we make music together
Each feeling tone reforming our inner beings; making us anew.
We draw back, break contact and begin the return.
Insatiable, my eyes offer an invitation and you respond in kind
Feeling bodies once more extended, gently melding, softly enfolding
We smile at our union, communicating our pleasure in each other
Acknowledging the bond between our souls, our love blossoms.
So who was looking through our eyes that day,
Which aspects of our multi-dimensional beings cavorted freely
As you reconnected with a deeper self; who was called to respond to you?
If you are kindly disposed towards me, oh Lord, I entreat you to speak fully.
As I sat and drank your amrita, after withstanding the display of your force and voice, was filled and stretched by your power, I now sit at your feet, oh most beloved Gurudev and devotedly ask:
Was it Peter or Vidar who sang and drew forth from my depths?
Was it Ka’ren?? Who responded?
In relation to you; who am I, what is my name?
Ever more growth, never ending expansion,
My soul awakened by your call.
Joining together our awareness, combined in exploration
Seeking deep within our hidden depths,
We sensed the dark interiority of each other’s soul
Ever deeper, discovering seeds of potential
Bringing them into the light of awareness,
Singing them into being, feeding them with love
Shiva called Shakti
And She answered his call.
Given space in light retreat She came forth and danced,
Bought pink beaded glass slippers, painted my toe nails to match.
Embodied by me she grew to fullness, in time with the moon.
Then in golden sunlight, under a bright blue sky,
Seated by the glistening, silver sea,
You encountered my Shakti.
Feeling her way to your soul, unaided by your intent,
Me full of awareness; my whole body and yours.
Bringing the gift of warm sensuality,
Melting the illusionary boundary of outer bodies,
Connecting deep within you,
Seeking Shiva; My Gurudev
You have taught me very well,
Most Beloved Master of My Soul,
You bring me to fullness, time and time again.
Your penetrating seeds of wisdom,
Found my fertile inner ground,
Took root within the dark interior of my being,
Have been tended and nurtured by your deep interest.
Now you can reap my harvest.
Our spirits have danced together in inner and outer space,
We have been colours together, blended together.
We have blossomed together in divine bliss.
All that and yet our journey has only just begun.
How wonderful is that?
What is this process all about?
Stretching and expanding, reshaping and clearing
The power of two joined through our eyes
Touching each other with our souls.
How incredible to reach in so deep
Beyond the self to inner dimensions
Listening to the silent sounds of All That Is
Creative power of awareness, pure and unsullied.
Opening outwards to take the other in
Conjoining, yoking, combining our intent,
Building slowly, searching within, gathering
From the darkness of the inner body.
Standing under ancient wisdoms
With the ability to make them anew,
Development, growth and forward motion,
Waves of knowledge to feed the desert.
I came to you in darkness
You opened me to the light.
Patiently you tutored me, with deep interest called love,
Awoke the sleeping spirits hidden within
Found more than you had bargained for
So much more than I could have conceived.
What an amazing combination, you and I,
Who would suspect what lies beneath,
The force of darkness penetrated by light,
Impregnating my soul womb with your seeds.
Time and again our melding and blending
Bring forth intense tones of divine bliss
Conceiving with sounds in silence
Rapidly growing, gestating and forming.
My labour pains of expansion and contraction,
My birthing partner standing strong,
Ready to deliver the fruits of our journeys
Words and letters formed into gnosis.
Learning together as partners do
As you feed me so I feed you,
Building our strength for future endeavours,
Both knowing the roles we were born to do.
Divine nectar is our food of love,
Nourishing our inner bodies, our souls,
We drink our fill through each other,
Languishing in each others delight.
The black soul womb of Kali,
The bowl of serpent power,
Tapping into erotic passions
Embodying the divine powers of creation.
Making ready to set the world on FIRE.
Understanding the inner meaning of words: Mantra,
Adopting the usual positions to discover something new,
Eyes closed to connect to inner being,
Opening the windows of the soul to let the other in,
Fully aware of whole sensing bodies.
Come to me Black goddess of the Night,
Fill me with your darkness,
Burn me with your fire,
Set me aflame to reshape myself.
Who am I now?
What am I becoming?
Will I even recognise myself?
Who else will know me?
And who are You who sees Me?
Master of My Soul,
What am I to You,
Your Black Magic Woman, embodying Kali?
She knew how to treat men,
Cutting off their hands and heads,
Standing over Shiva to dominate the world,
Withdrawing into the darkness to create anew.
Dancing beneath the stars,
Black night speckled with distant fires,
I Recall and remember the passion,
Feeling the beat of the baseline.
Dance with me Oh goddess of the night,
Fill me with your awareness,
Remind me of your erotic nature,
Unrestrained and pulsating with life,
Full of longing and burning red.
My body was full of rising and descending scales,
Singing wordlessly, playing on your soul,
Seeking, searching, embracing and receiving,
Bow down in reverence and see the love that shines.
For love there is in darkness,
No light without the black.
All consuming flame of passion,
Burning deep and raw within my soul.
What am I to make of all this?
I feel myself changed, transformed.
I eclipse myself, earth blocking out the sun,
No light shines from my surface.
Hands together in worship,
Penetrate my feeling, sensual self,
So deep within my divine dark soul,
The shadow side of bliss no less intense.
Longing; deep and unfulfilled,
Craving, craven, creative creature of the dark,
Bringing heady intoxicating nectar,
Stretching me yet again, making me grow.
Studying my own creation: a Magnolia flower,
Purely white, yet deeply pink, with its dark stem,
I recall your words of longing and patience
Use them to clarify my thoughts and feelings.
The roots of the tree grow deep within,
Drawing life from the darkest soil,
Allowing the elemental gods to bring forth
Such delicately beautiful flowers.
The tree stands alone, complete in its being,
Yet I need you to find my way,
Groping through the darkness, half blind, half knowing,
Following the scent of your soul.
Trusting, always and completely,
Never knowing what shore
I will find myself washed up on,
How battered and bruised I will feel.
Seeking out primordial powers,
Daring to be so bold,
Drawing and drinking the dark amber fluid:
The very elixir of life,
We take these journeys together,
Face to face, but like the tree
Rooted in our own inner being
Creating pathways to the gods.
Into the wordless darkness,
Wading through sensations of erotic pleasure
Trying to maintain an inner ground
Blazing trails for others to follow.
Confusion leads to insight,
Hopes dashed cause growth,
Mistakes the greatest teacher,
To stay aware and connected!
Struggle against unknown currents,
Trying to stay afloat,
Why do I do this to myself?
What inner being drives me?
Questions, questions always questioning myself:
My motives, my abilities and my spiritual strength.
Battling with emotions
Trying not to be swept away.
Reconnect, remember: Whole Body Awareness.
If you play with fire
You risk getting your fingers burnt.
What do We risk medalling with such flames?
Am I burnt or just singed around the edges?
I know I will be back for more,
Moved by a love that could consume me
Allowing these waves to wash me ashore.
In changing I move away from what I know,
Those who I thought I loved don’t understand.
I move towards isolation, fearing being alone.
Can you understand my distress?
I see compassion in your eyes.
But I don’t know Me any more.
All I thought I knew swept away,
Replaced by what?
A power I am yet to control or understand.
Creating space around me, my mouth kept shut,
I feel untouchable, yet long for touch,
Set adrift upon a sea which feels so deep.
The agony and the ecstasy,
Chewed up by Kali and spat out,
Waiting like a phoenix to rise again from the ashes.
Playing on each other’s soul,
Like beautiful string instruments
Sounds ringing through our inner bodies
Perfectly in tune.
With delightful ease we slip
Into our deeper selves, sensing and reaching,
Aware of your soul touching mine
I open like a flower kissed by the sun.
Hard to recall the intricate steps of our dance,
So deep do we spiral down,
Watching changes in facial expression,
Mirroring, holding, amplifying with intent.
Such vastness within and without,
Ever expanding vistas open to the sides,
Spacious souls encompass each other,
Exploring together, how far can we go.
Upwards you indicate and down,
I stretch, feel, in both directions
At the same time moving towards the unknown
Remember sounds and names in darkness.
Was it now or maybe later,
I heard Her name ring through the dark
Calling to Her loyal servants
Cradled in Her dark expansive womb.
You hear me sound Her name
We recognise our roles of worship; Kaula!
See and follow the others expression
Amplifying intensive feelings, revel in bliss
Fully aware of our combined power
Knowledge expressed and clear to see
Smiling our pleasure, enjoying each other,
Plucking cords, strumming gently, sounding deeply.
With intensity of gaze our excitement rises
From deep within the dark interiority
Registering through our breathing,
We scent and sense each other’s soul.
You shift so suddenly I jump and follow
Another dimension, deeper still
You lead me further sinking, descending
I lose myself and with another fill.
My inner voice speaks, silently, another language
Gentle, rocking, soothing sounds,
Among the many now forgotten, your name;
Sh’meyah, all that is recalled.
Did I draw you in through my eyes
Or did I open in response to you?
Whoever began the other followed
I felt your soul expand and penetrate mine.
How could I help myself?
You’re familiar and so very welcome,
Embracing you with all I am
My love expanding, encompassing, enfolding you.
How wonderfully we join together
No resistance, no need for force
Making space for deeper expressions
New aspects shine out through our eyes.
Diving deep in the sea of awareness
Pearls of wisdom gathered forth
Such a joy to take the journey
Touching each other with sweet sensuality.
What power within our eyes,
What intensity of will and gaze,
Passions raging, rising from fathoms below
Contained and relished, a mutual exchange of joy.
I write these words from deep with me
From the darkest depths they rise like trees
Seeded by you into my dark soul womb
During our spiritual conjoining, our blissful union.
My love for you knows no bounds
I can feel it grow, forever expanding and enriching
Within your gaze my true being has blossomed
Like a bud to the sun I opened myself to you.
Deep inside me I have allowed you to explore
And you have responded in kind to me
Our souls yearn to mingle, meld and merge
We experience such pleasure in being so entwined.
Like a bubble rising to the surface of my awareness
I sense my feelings grow from deep within
Longing to reach into you, to sense and touch you
To become one as we link the power of our gaze.
Your being pervades mine, in my dreams I see you
Reliving the sensual moments spent floating within
Sustaining eye contact, intense and so intimate
Relishing the feelings of our inner beings, blissful and divine.
Being aware of my whole sensing body
I use it to sense the outside of yours
As boundaries of self expand we encounter each other
Waves of sensual pleasure at as we touch with our souls.
When I first met you I knew I could trust you
Allowing you to search deep into my eyes
Like an innocent child with secret knowledge
A sleeping beauty awoken by her spirit lover’s first kiss.
I had no idea such joy was possible
Had almost shut down my bruised and battered heart
But the warmth of your gaze fell deep within me
Through the chinks in my armour your light found its way.
I thought I had soul, but not like this one
Reality more than I bargained for
Washing away the old patterns of being
Wave upon wave washed me ashore.
Like a tiny seed myself expanded
Swollen by the fluid and warmth of your love
So tenderly you nurtured my pains of growing
Always there, feeding me with words of wisdom.
Taking pleasure in my emerging awareness
My blossoming self caused you to grow too
Surprisingly we fed each other
Finding divine nectar in dark hidden places.
Like Nature herself, given the right conditions
The unexpected finds the space to spring
The birds of spirit playing their part
Leaving surprises for us to discover and enjoy
Rapidly we have moved through seasons of being
The autumn brought seeds to gather and sow
Harvesting, planting, more growth, more blossoms
A veritable Garden of Eden, within, for us to roam.
Like all committed gardeners our greatest pleasure
To share the fruits of our labours and bliss
Gathering and planting our seedlings of knowledge
Gifts for others to take away and themselves enjoy.
If they follow your carefully developed steps of wisdom
Perhaps a forest or meadow to find and explore
No bounds to expansion as Nature runs rampant
Our message; free your senses, come follow our lead.
Take the paths which we have trodden
Expand your awareness, seek and develop your soul
Treasure awaits those brave to follow their Gnosis
The bliss of spiritual union is all of ours to enjoy.
Spiralling into pain, deep and hidden
Connecting through my soul but feeling it in my body
Deeper than I had expected, rendering me in two
Allowing the experience to fill me and show on my face.
Longing, unfulfilled, craving, wanting thwarted
The darkest, deepest bowl of agony
A vast cavern, dripping walls of blood and gore
The soul womb of Kali the destroyer.
Seeking further into the past, centuries of blood and death
Finding strength somehow lies in the darkness
The power to create and expand
Intent fills my eyes as I feel it rise within me.
Do not give me your pity,
Wipe any sympathy from your face
I am strong, invincible, as I feed on the pain
Nourishing my inner body the response of my soul is to grow.
Feeling for you with my spirit as it expands into yours
The bliss of our union intense and resounding
Pulsating with erotic pleasure as I feel you respond
Recognising that look on your face, mirroring my own.
We draw in close and closer still
Our rapid breath mingles, I feel your warmth on my lips
Revelling in our rapture, giving and receiving
Our pleasure mounts as we recognise each other’s passion.
Retreating slightly, drawing back to take another look
Fall into the pain, reliving and recalling
Deeper than before, another level of awareness
You asked for it so you can have it, feel it, see it.
It does not consume me, it is you who takes me in
Swallowed whole within your vast expanse
Loosing touch with any physical body
My whole sensing soul enwrapped in your darkness
Sensing sound rising I silently speak her name: Kali.
Expanding outwards I follow your lead
All seeing eye I feel into the surrounding space
Kaula: Feel behind and upwards, into you and down, deeper down.
Such depths of being, fathoms of soul space
Spiralling through sounds and further into the pain
But the pain is there no longer, vitality is what I find
Moving beyond the point of other experience.
Completely blended, melded, as one are we
Pure power of awareness creating deeper bonds
Tremendous sensations of bodied soul depths
Waves of intent boring into each other’s eyes.
Sitting back to view the other
Then spiralling, yet deeper still
The power of Mantra takes us in further
As your hand moves to the space in between.
I feel you penetrate my spiritual yoni
Your intent glowing from your eyes
I open soul self to receive you
My whole sensing body welcomes your touch.
Ah, the waves of rapture begin again
I feel them rise from deep within
Such blissful sensations as I fill with your awareness
Pumping, pulsating, building and mounting.
My breathing suddenly turns to rapid as my eyes expand
Incredible sense of erotic pleasure
Wave upon wave of bliss to ride
Holding the moment to intensify the feeling.
Amplified and thus returned
Boring my intent now into your eyes
Wanting you to feel what I am feeling
Seeing your receive my pleasure thrills and excites me.
Sustaining the bliss we feed each other
Melding, entwining floating in passion
Our deep connection of soul and love
As sounds explode with shock waves of vibration.
Closing our eyes we stay in touch with feelings
Colours come dancing before my inner eyes
Yellow, intense with spiralling patterns, a cosmic display
Serpents rise before me, entwining and frolicking.
Circles of light and colour shoot through each other
Multi-coloured, divine, snakes of power and pleasure
Writhing, twisting a dance of glee and delight
As intense violet fills my third eye.
A wonderful display of blissful movement
An inner vision from deep within
The frenetic pace begins to slacken
Rhythmic coils slowly unwind.
Such pleasure to watch the joy of their union
Symbolic enactment of where we had been
Incredible journeys of conjoining our bliss bodies
Amazingly sensuous dialogue of our inner beings.
What is there to forgive?
My emotions blinded me to the truth;
Love is not greedy!
My judgment and pain came from the past
An outdated belief in exclusivity.
You have taught me better than that!
It is I who should apologise to you.
Being your student is no simple path!
I now see the great reserves of strength required
The power and resolve to continually die.
Retreating into the black soul-womb of Kali
Dying from my perceived wounds
Our Mother held me, healed me and sent me home, to you.
Finding resolution I was reborn
Stronger, yet with infantile vulnerability
Until I found myself once again, reflected in your eyes.
It was your unswerving gaze which melted my ice-locked heart
Opening the doors of my mouth as well as my soul
Allowing me to trust again, in you, to hear of my pain
Knowing the strength of our connection.
And what a powerful message we contain
The power of love and acceptance
The ability to stand under a torrent of feeling
Bowed but not cowered.
Fearless of the darkness
Knowing the creativity imminent in destruction
We can retreat with intent and be reborn.
It was within the darkness that I began to see
Even while preparing to sever the umbilical cord,
Which tied my soul to yours,
Knowing it was the right thing to do.
I took back the power
I had given to you for safe-keeping
You have tended it well, with love and care
Now I am afraid of it no more.
I am touched deep within by your words
This time in pleasure not in pain
The waves so strong I struggle to body them
Trans-substantiated into tears of joy.
What is there to make up for?
Your poem is balm enough for healing scars
Battle scars born with pride
A brief if fierce skirmish with my Beast.
But like the Beauty also contained within
I looked and loved my jealous heart
Transformed my pain to my own advantage
Returned to face the truth
To see with new eyes.
You acted with impeccability
There is nothing to hold you to account for;
Love is the law, love under will
And I will love you, no matter what you do.
Because I understand your integrity
Because I am committed to your path
Because I chose to walk with you
Into the darkness and through to the other side.
However many times I have to make the journey
Because I know I am never alone,
However lonely I allow myself to feel
Because I know the power of love.
What do I recall?
What dare I remember of our latest union
Rapidly descending into our soul depths
Trying to stay impersonal but loaded with love.
The pleasure and power of connecting with each other again
As if our time apart awoke a hunger and urgency
The thrill of that familiar look on your face
That knowing recognition reflected in our eyes.
Extending my feeling body to meet yours
Clear intent shinning in your gaze
Or was it what I wanted to see?
Aware as I was of my knees trembling between yours.
Anticipation and expectation, hope and longing
Jostle for position as I sense your whole being with mine
Opening myself to receive you
Feeling and sensing your love expand within me.
How can I describe what I experienced
In purely spiritual terms
The words which spring to mind full of sexual reference
Or did I imagine the movement of your hips?
The serpentine writhing of your body, was that real too?
The sense of you moving your pelvis into a position
As if my legs were open instead of clamped between yours
Feeling my soul body respond where my outer one was still.
And I, brazen hussy that I am
Moving in rhythm to accommodate your spirit
Relishing the thrust felt so deep within
Wanting and encouraging you to penetrate the yoni of my soul.
Feeling and loving every movement, each second stretched
Bodying the sensations of intense sensuality
Enjoying your face mirroring my response to our dance of love
The animal expression, wolf-like, predatory and deeply erotic.
Matching your rhythm and mudra with reciprocal intent
Contracting the power in my hara to reflect back my feelings
Holding the movement to intensify the bliss
Quivering with the sensations so powerfully expressed
Almost panting in pleasure as wave upon wave explodes within.
Guttural sounds escape your lips
Giving voice to those I feel
Groaning in response, full of love and longing
As I feel myself fill with your awareness.
Wrapping my soul body around you
I feel my being inside you at the same time
Stroking your inner body with mine
Seductively rubbing my spirit against yours.
Arousal felt on so many levels, floating in a sea of bliss
Swept away to languish in satisfaction
Breathing in the breath of each other
Inhaling the scent of our conjoined souls.
Thus inspired by you I open completely
All centres linked by a black-red yawning cave
Outflowing with a fluidity of feeling awareness,
Gentle yet strong, sensuously soft and enfolding.
Flow upon flow rising up and outwards
Encompassing you and beyond into space
A never ending well surges forth
As my love pores out, my being expands
Keeps on enlarging and sensing all the while, like an eye, all-seeing.
By this point we had changed position
Sitting back into a different dimension of feeing
So deep within myself and in resonation with you
Almost out of contact range, struggling to focus.
Aware of your arm slowly sweeping up and towards me
Over my head but surrounding me at the same time
I feel the pressure of your thumb on my third eye
The power pushes me back into a web of support
An inward sensation of falling backwards, yet feeling contained.
Your hands take my head and move it forwards,
Did I imagine you stroking my hair?
With eyes closed a black hole opens before me
I see a column of technological junk disappear downwards
I experience myself similarly falling, and endless descent.
Opening my eyes I see you no longer, you’ve gone, moved away
Yet I keep falling like Alice into wonderland
Sinking deeper still within my own being
Not knowing if it will stop or should I halt myself
I begin the long journey back to my body.
Four weeks on and the pain is still pulsating
Manifesting in my womb as it bleeds
Rising from deep within my soul
Will it ever lessen or leave? I sense it will not
Moving through a cycle of turn and turnabout
The wheel of potential life and death
Creation and dissolution
My soul cries out in pain, readying for renewal and growth
My body communicates to me: Pay attention!
Sitting opposite you I turn my gaze within
Into the dark space of inner awareness
Down into the depths of my body and soul
Sensing you reach out and touch me with your spirit
Allowing you access once again to the pain I contain
Gentle flowing waves of feeling body
Softly stroking, easing your way into me.
And as the searching smoke-like fingers of your awareness
Explore within and down into the dark
I find myself responding, open my eyes and link our gaze
Reaching forwards to blend my senses with yours.
Enfolded and held in the softest cashmere
A blanket of peace and harmony
Full of sounds of inner silence
As we wrap our souls in and around one another.
Always new and different are our encounters
And yet we dance the familiar steps of our knowing intent
This time is like a slow waltz
As old-time partners we move to the inner rhythm.
No flimsy embrace, our contact is firm
Strong and intense currents of gaze in our link
We know the feel of each other’s soul
As we open inward doors to new dimensions.
Drawing from my contracting uterus
Bodying the waves, the drafts of pain
Sensing a reflection within our resonation
Not sure where mine ends and yours begins.
The flow between us as easy as breathing
Slow and natural like a flower unfurls
Delicate shades of tones of awareness
A pure and gentle exchange of our love.
Bathed in your light, warm and glowing
The ripples of our connection flow from deep within
As the far off shores experience distant waves
The sands of our beings are lapped in soothing bliss.
I now know what we are doing to each other
I feel you draw my Shakti into your darkness as I draw yours
I sense the lingam of your Shiva fill me
See your expression as I reciprocate, knowing the pleasure it brings.
Snuggling down into the depths of akula
Into the shared space where we can not hide
No words exchanged to muddy the waters
Direct knowing and feeling senses do not deceive.
Here is the peace of truth and my heart is calmed
My soul is soothed as I fold deeper into my pain
A feather of free falling descent
That has become a familiar friend to me
Acknowledging the divine soul womb of Mahakalakali
In reverence and worshipful position of respect
Moved by the spirit of impersonal love
Filling ourselves and the other with nectar – ..
I know it is The Mother who moves me
In closing my eyes and asking for vision
I see a vast wall of neatly piled skulls
Empty eye sockets all looking my way.
The cave which links all three centres
This time folds inwards, no out-flowing today
I slowly collapse into myself
Body sinking, head bowed low.
An endless inner dissolution of knowing
Brings tears of release into my eyes
I hold myself to contain my sobs
Fearing my ability to return
You remind me of my courage.
A spiritual connection so deep it transcends time and space
A love so vast it defies accepted parameters
Still too new to categorise
Yet so old it feels as ancient as the world.
Struggling to comprehend the unfathomable
Trying to find words to communicate and understand
In a language too limited to express qualities of sensation
Is it possible to do justice to these feelings of ours?
Romantic pigeon holes are just too confining
A unique relationship, available to all
But how many have the ears to hear the depths of your wisdom
Or minds open enough for the necessary philosophical awareness?
I have found myself, lost in your depths
Becoming more in touch with my larger being
Sometimes swimming against tides of emotions
Which threaten to sweep me away with their intensity.
Battles with my ego part of the process
Wanting to be special, finding humility is what I need
Trying to contain the power of divinity
Letting go, dying and allowing rebirth to occur.
Taking the space to discover equilibrium
Grounding myself in everyday life
Relaxing with intent to go with the flow
The way unfolds as The Spirit moves us into position.
Trusting in you and the greater power of the third
Willing submission to take my place by your side
Drawn by a love which threatened to consume me
A bond of souls which even death will not part.
And you, my love, sensed my struggle
Offered support but understood my needs
You must have known I could never leave you
But gave me the space to find out for myself.
I returned to you, though I considered the options
In separation I searched and found inner strength of my being
Renewed, yet again, more mature and clearer in mind
Seeing with fresh eyes, open to learn all you have to teach me
Committed to the path I have chosen to follow
Intrigued and willing to explore and then share
You are refinding yourself while I am still in darkness
My faith; all will be revealed in the fullness of time
And then, my dear, there is our reconnection!
Both of us changed by our time spent apart
A week can sometimes feel like forever
But nothing can alter what lies in our hearts
Did you see the new look in my eyes?
Did I imagine a sadness in yours?
Did you find me again as we con-joined our bliss bodies?
Different but fundamentally unchanged, deep inside
And what can I write in regard to our melding?
How can I begin to describe what occurred?
The intercourse of our combined soul bodies
The blissful sensations, so intense and intimate
I think I want to keep this one to myself, for a while!!!
So what should I write to describe our re-union?
Spiritual intercourse, surely ‘making love’ by any other name?
Felt so intensely on so many levels of awareness
By whatever we call it, the scent is still sweet.
So we kept our clothes on and our outer bodies hardly touched
But you were within me and I was wrapped all around you
Our souls recognise and know one another
As we move into different dimensions of being.
The pleasure I feel is so deep within me
As we reach out and meld with our whole sensing bodies
I can’t help the love I feel flowing between us
Confirming my gnosis of our inner connection.
I felt myself spiral in and around you
Two colourful serpents entwining and touching
Glad to be back with you but on a new level
Feeling and sensing you with my renewed awareness.
In came your soul and I welcomed it with open arms
Fully aware of you pressing on my knee
Awake to each movement within and without
As you penetrate my soul body with yours.
Filling me again and again with your power
Making me shake, pelvis aquiver, legs trembling
Releasing control, riding waves of sensation
Eyes rolled back with the force of our joining.
Feeling your arms rise up and around me
Embraced in your love, do you feel my arms around you?
Still clasping my knees yet holding you with my spirit
A sense of no-space existing, fully entwined.
Not sure when, but your hands kept moving
Working some magic all over my body
I may as well have been naked
So intensely did I feel your invisible touch.
Wanting this aspect of you with a deeply felt passion
A fire between us, raging within and felt outside
Withdrawing and returning, again and again
As if insatiable with spiritual desire.
And then your hands actually made contact
Opening my legs, your knees between mine
Initially unsure I follow my feelings
How did you read the expression in my eyes?
Were you testing me by handing me the reigns?
Playing the part of someone unsure
Gently I responded to your expression of trepidation
Easing back my soul body, unthreatening, slowly feeling your fears.
Did my spirit sooth your worries?
Following the steps you had taken just before
Drawing you into my inner being, my soul
Filling you with my awareness, did I pass the test?
Now so deep within my inner body
The details become sketchy of what happened next
Those words, your Mantra, I could feel intensely
Come hither, my love, fall into me, expand.
I open myself to you completely
Further than ever you have been before
Renewed strength and faith increase the connection
Lost and floating in a sea of divine bliss.
So do I do justice to what happened between us?
My memory fades, slips from my grasp
I let it go, no need to hold on so tightly
The beautiful butterfly of our union flutters away.
It wasn’t my ego enjoying our pleasure
Our deeper beings cavorted in bliss
Other dimensions of awareness is where we have travelled
Creating new rooms to recall and revisit.
Within the eternal dark soul-womb of Kali
The divine light of Shiva shinning so bright.
Sowing seeds of sound
Drawing in senses with magnets of Mantra
Transpersonal selves are called closer
So who or what then experiences ‘our’ Tantra?
Forming consonants with Mudra of the mouth
Withholding speech, hearing within
Feeling the meanings in the inner body
Transforming the eyes into transmitters.
Making space with the egoic I, the outward eye turned in and down
Vision focused through the inner eye to the not-I
Fluid identity, transforms when explored this way
Being fed from the larger soul self.
Soul body, bliss body, feeling body
This inner field of awareness
Previously limited sense of being
Blown out of all proportion, grows and enlarges.
V as in Vulnerable, feeling soft and a little afraid,
Virile and Violent harder to contact
Upwards sense of a building Volcano
Vitality Vexes, a Voice of silence
DeVotion easier, a loVing gaze
M: sinks down in the body to Motherly eMotion
SH: like a SHimmering SHhower of rain
WaSHing over with a gentle sparkle of feeling
Physical proximity challenges the ego
Loosing focus, conscious of self
Moving deeper into the impersonal
Being drawn down by resonation.
L: Lethargic, Lost and Lonely,
Reluctant to connect with Lust
Dangerous ground sitting so closely
Feels unsafe to explore that one intensely.
Thinking it better to leave that dragon sleeping
It hasn’t been in its cave that long
Prodding and poking might cause an eruption
Been burnt already by that one’s fire.
Not sure the transpersonal element exists here
Or the ability to cross over from these personal feelings
Strangely enough the unexpected happens
Feeling through the sense of the sound, awareness deepens.
How to describe this natural occurrence
The sense of being there yet not there
Opening the door to other dimensions of being
Slipping down into another state of awareness.
Feelings and senses flowing forth
Eyes expanding and intensifying
Holding the results with whole body awareness
Becoming all eye, radiating outwards while the gaze looks in.
Ka: spine held straight, backwards expansion, cavernous
Ra: a Rising Roar moving forwards and up
I: out to the sides, into endless vistas
G: the ringing bell reverberates and spreads in the ear
Whole body engaged in feeling and being, expanding outwards
Going beyond self-limiting boundaries of body
Radiating from within then out to touch another
In this case you but ‘you’ no longer.
Feeling one soul with another,
Divine sensations of inner bliss
Sensuous connection of feeling bodies
Meeting and melding with pleasure.
Experience expands awareness, into the dark soul womb Kali
The field is fed with feeling tones of silent sound
The eyes are the key to open the door
The Windows of the Soul let the light of Shiva shine through.
Taking on board your latest teachings
Keen to see where it will lead
“Feel free to try out any Kali Mantra,” you said
But the intention was already in my mind.
Eyes closed to sink into my deeper being
Ex-hailing with the ‘H’, halting in between in hallowed ground
Breathing in with the ‘A’, filling with awareness
Using OM to go deeper still
Moving without motion, toward Kali’s dark womb
Meditating you with the Mantra,
Melting downwards while melded.
Sensing and expanding with whole body awareness
Stretching into the surrounding cavern of consciousness
A kingly circumference, created with intent
Reaching realms of royal rivers, roaring,
Rising and rushing upwards, to crash upon your shore,
Seeing sideways into spaces, endless vistas
Ringing, re-sounding, spreading my awareness out
Flowing through your soul: KRING
Dredging up memories to recall the experience
As if all took place at the bottom of a mineshaft
Me, now at the coal surface, seeking sense within the darkness.
How far into the 5th dimension did we travel?
Fathoms below normal functioning,
Or was it a dream? It feels like it could have been,
It is one that is keeping me awake tonight.
I remember sounding Ka, the first seed of Her name,
Strongly I recall that powerful ‘L’
Starting to lose all sense of myself, dissolving with you
Luxuriating in a lagoon of love, floating, languishing
Not mine for you but something vast, endless and impersonal.
Wispy impressions of your pelvis
A mudra movement lining up with my soul body
Aware yet not really feeling your thrust filling me,
But it wasn’t me, ‘I’ wasn’t there anymore.
Arms surrounding my body,
Mine moving of their own accord,
Spreading out as my being expanded inwards
Drawn into your soul and encompassing you at the same time.
Beyond the usual state of bliss, such deep spiritual union
What part of my greater soul took over?
Sunk so deep within you, ‘I’ wasn’t there anymore
Drawn in so close amazing we didn’t actually touch
But who needs touch when our souls are so entwined?
Was there any boundary left to cross?
There was no me, there was no you,
We were as one, conjoined, blended, blissfully new.
I almost seemed to pass through your body
As I became aware of breathing in your ear
Is this what it is like when we dream?
It has a dream like sensuality in my memory
Yet I never felt so alive, at the time
My body was upright, but where was ‘I’?
Recollections of being face to face
Not seeing you yet aware you were there
Then my heart beating rapidly, thumping, drumming in my inner ear
What took place to make it beat so fast, what internal rhythm of being?
How many times did I go through the mantra,
Was it three or two or four?
Lost count, lost memory, lost myself.
You took hold of the backs of my hands
Turning palms upwards they felt pressed down
A pose of worship, at the feet of Our Mother,
But where was She?
Was it Her essence filling me so?
Full of potential, dark and unformed
Everything was black, blank without shape.
Is this where you usually go to when we sit opposite each other?
Or was this somewhere new for you as well?
I don’t know what to make of the experience
Or the fragments sifting into my mind
I just can’t seem to remember, it was as if ‘I’ wasn’t there.
You drew your hands down over your face
Usually the signal our journey has come to an end.
I make an attempt to follow, eyes closed, serpents briefly dance
Still lost in my inner being I use the vowel ah to raise my awareness
Trying to lift my consciousness from the depths
Still sensing you with my feelings
I realise you are still active and open my eyes
Did that help me? I don’t think so!
You hands were moving, or was it just one?
Penetrating my soul, without even touching my body.
Still within my deeper self and attached to your soul
Slowly returning, changed in some wordless way
Coming back to myself as you getup and leave.
Following our usual steps, sitting face to face
Eyes closed to begin, sinking down into our beings
Connecting with our souls and descending deeper still.
A clear intent shines in my mind
To explore my feelings of love and devotion
To seek myself in relation to who you were and are to me.
Whole body sensed and engaged
Eyes now open but focused within
Allowing my feelings to show on my face
Touching your soul body with mine, we smile as we join
Ah that sweet delicious, sensual bliss of connection,
Resonation takes us still further down, the power of two combined.
Remembering and bodying the emotions I recently recalled
Sitting within the fluid sea of awareness
Seeking a current to float us into the past
Echoes of reactivated aspects reverberating through my soul
Allowing that dimension of being to drift into focus
Capturing and holding the tone of silent sound
Calling on Kali to aid my search, lengthening the ‘l’
Leafing through the memories of our larger souls
Opening the pages to read the story written in time, long ago
Etched so deep in the Beingness of who we truly are.
Really there is no such thing as past or future
Time just a construct to help us get by
All is Now and Now is here for ever more
With access available to those who know how to seek,
That knowledge we have and the power to use it
Through our awareness, our intent, linked together in Tantra.
Using K-R-I-N-G to clear the path
Sweeping the passage way with mantra
Blending myself still deeper into you
A different me, another you, richer aspects of our souls,
Yet so familiar, known before, now recognised for what they are,
My love flows stronger through the fibres of my being
In touch with deeply felt expressions of my devotion
Sending the message through my soul and eyes into yours
Freeing my muscles to express those senses
Opening and expanding all around my circumference
My arms move back as I grow and flow into you
Free-falling to dance in your soul,
Most beloved Guru, Master and Mistress of my soul.
Sensing all you are with my awareness
Hearing sweet sounds ringing in my inner ear
Delightful tones spiralling through my bliss body
As I float towards your outer self,
Luxuriating in the love between us,
Listening with all that I am, light and lithe with grace,
To gentle rhythms, as I drink you in, soak my being in yours.
Arms and wrists moving in time with my sensuous experience
Wrapping around you, fingers lightly strumming the cords
Fluid serpentine flows of feeling stroking the fibres, sensuously
Breathing in your scent, brushing softly against you,
My dance of love, expressing my devotion
Taking in all I can from every angle, absorbing the Absolute.
The wonder of this inner world of experience fills me
Such joy to be blended again, reunited although never truly separate
Words wandering into my thoughts:
I am Sh’mah, I am Sh’mah, Sh’mmmaaaahhhhh
I am connected to Shakti, within the pelvic bowl of Kali’s womb.
The lingam of Shiva sits before me, within me, penetrates my soul
I sit back into my deeper self,
Bowing in worship, hands together as if in prayer
Touching my forehead, lips and heart,
I bow down in reverence to Divine Consciousness
My Lord, my god, my very core of Being.
I feel my body begin to circulate
Head spirals slowly, down, around and up again
Melting within and without
Still absorbed in your divine soul
Profoundly effected by this amazing connection
Sunk deep within my expansive, inner, greater self
Blissfully contented by our contact, sublime and exquisite
Filled with a wondrous warmth of ageless affection
A deeper knowing, gnosis, of why You are My Gurudev
Why I worship who you are
Why I love you with supreme devotion and always will.